I Was Depressed As Fuck As A Physical Therapist
FULL TRANSPARENCY OF MY MENTAL HEALTH IN CLINICAL CARE
If you’ve read any of my other blogs, you know they’re mostly sassy education on branding. I use my time as a physical therapist to help other physical therapists with fonts and colors. This blog will be a bit different. Since May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I want to talk a bit about how I went into an unrecognized depression when I was a PT. I genuinely hope most of my audience doesn’t feel the need to read this. But when I was at my worst, it would’ve been a small solace to know that I wasn’t alone in how I was feeling. So bear with me as I get very transparent about how I was feeling in case someone else is feeling the same.
A BIT ABOUT ME
Before we get into it, there are a couple of things you should know about me for this to make sense:
I’m an introvert and my social battery gets drained very quickly
I made the decision to be a PT when I was 16
I’m a pessimist
These 3 things played a role in falling into a depression and they were the reason I was unable to recognize it. I wouldn’t say the problem was the field of PT, rather that my personality wasn’t right for PT. That’s not to say there isn’t a huge problem…we could get into the salary that doesn’t align with the student debt, the decline in insurance reimbursement that leads to overbooking and burnout, and the clear value of productivity over the employee. These are widely known through the field and often talked about. Instead I want to focus on the aspects that made it the wrong choice for me as I felt incredibly alone at the time.
Me when my social battery is drained and I’m a little hungry.
MY TINY SOCIAL BATTERY
I’m the type of introvert where I’m only good for so much social interaction. I’ll get drained quickly and then I need to retreat and be alone to recharge my battery. It comes as no surprise that working in a high-pace clinic was draining on me. Working 10 hour days seeing 20+ patients while constantly making decisions, providing education, and helping people through pain was exhausting for me. Friends would ask if I wanted to grab a drink after work and I had no idea how anyone had the energy for that. My coworkers with kids? I still have no fucking clue how my boss saw 30 patients in a day and then went home and helped his kids with their math homework.
My nights were spent alone recovering from the work day and my weekends were spent at the gym or on a hike…anything I could find that was for me but didn’t involve other people. I genuinely enjoy being alone so it was hard for me to notice my decline in work-life balance. Soon my life wasn’t really being lived: it was broken down into working and recovering from working. By the time I realized it was a problem, I had no idea how to fix it. I started to realize I went into the wrong field but I felt stuck with no clue where to go next. There aren’t a ton of widely known alternatives outside of clinical care with a DPT degree so I just sat with my negative feelings while continuing to get more and more burnt out. Now you might be thinking “you idiot, if you knew you’re an introvert why did you go into PT?” because that’s exactly what I was thinking at the time.
MAKING A LIFE CHANGING DECISION IN HIGH SCHOOL
A girl who has no idea what kind of decision she’s making.
As I mentioned, I decided I wanted to be a PT at 16. I had a good time as a patient so why wouldn’t I enjoy being a physical therapist? 16 year olds aren’t thinking much about what that decision will mean for them in another 16 years. I made a decision and I put my head down. I wasn’t considering how exhausted I would be when I got done with a shift, I was thinking about my next anatomy test or performing well on my clinical.
Once I got out into the field and realized what a shit decision I had made, it was impossible to not question myself. How did I not realize this sooner? How stupid was I to think that I could handle interacting with people all day? Did I know myself at all? How could I trust myself to make another decision when I had fucked this one up so badly? What sort of a piece of shit hates helping people? My thoughts got more and more negative and I was incredibly hard on myself. As dark as my thoughts got, I still didn’t realize there might be more going on.
GLASS-HALF EMPTY
You know how you go through changes as a human? You’re probably not the same person you were in high school. At your core you’re the same, but you get older and your life changes, your values shift, and you evolve. I thought this was that. I assumed that this was just my transition from young adult to adult…from being a student to being in the workforce. Having always been a glass half empty pessimist, the negative thoughts just felt like a natural progression so I didn’t question it. It was a new norm that I needed to figure out how to cope with.
A high-functioning, depressed smile at my sister’s pandemic wedding.
I never had any sort of inciting event with my depression. No death, no loss, no trauma. It crept up slowly for 3 years, making it impossible to recognize. I still laughed with my boss at work and had meaningful moments with my boyfriend but I never felt happy. All of my positive emotions became blunted and my negative emotions were heightened. I still showed up to work, continued to go to the gym, called my mom every so often, but everything I did was just a little more difficult. It was like I was constantly wearing a weight vest, or like the air was heavier. There was a gray film on everything I did and it was challenging to see the good. The happy person I used to be felt so far away, like I would never be that person again and I had to accept the person I currently was, a version of myself I didn’t particularly care for. I had convinced myself that I was alone in the way I was feeling. Instead of telling someone how I felt, I kept it in because it seemed shameful. I couldn’t tell people how much I was struggling because it felt like I shouldn’t be struggling this much.
I had told a couple of people that I didn’t like my job and the advice was the same…get a new one. I know they were trying to help but it can be hard to explain to someone how overwhelming a simple, logical solution could be. How could I explain that it wasn’t an option? That my self esteem was so fucked that there was no way I could answer the question “why should we hire you?”. I wasn’t worth hiring. I felt like a piece of shit who couldn’t accomplish anything, hated helping other people, and brought nothing to the table. How could I explain that I could barely get through my day, let alone consider an entire new career path. Then my mindset would shift and I would get even harder on myself. Why the fuck was I struggling so much? I simply didn’t like my job, get over it. There are people that have it much harder. You should be able to get over this.
One thing I hadn’t really realized about depression until I had it is how much it changes your brain. I mean I knew, I had some education, but I didn’t really know, you know. I trusted my brain because why wouldn’t I. As someone who performed well in school and had a fairly logical way of thinking, I never considered the idea that my brain was generating unrealistic or straight up incorrect thoughts.
A TURNING POINT
Oddly enough, it wasn’t until I took the Enneagram test that I realized I was dealing with cognitive distortions.
(Cognitive distortions are inaccurate and irrational thought patterns that can lead to negative emotions and behaviors. They are often exaggerated or biased ways of thinking that can interfere with daily life and contribute to mental health challenges like depression and anxiety. They can become ingrained thought patterns that are difficult to recognize or change).
A smile I actually meant at her bonus wedding.
My sister had suggested I take the test as a way to help decide what new career path would be best for me. I took the test, found out I’m a Loyalist (6), and had a bit of an epiphany as I read about how Sixes function.
For those who don’t know, the Enneagram breaks down your function into 9 different levels, from healthiest (1) to unhealthiest (9). Reading through it I recognized some of my negative thought patterns in the unhealthy levels but more importantly I was reminded of the person I had been years prior: organized, self-motivated, and loyal to my closest friends and family. For years I had convinced myself I slipped into this new, negative stage of life and I needed to figure out how to cope with it. That I had become this person and all I could do is deal with. It never occurred to me that I could get back to that happy version of myself because it had seemed so far away. If you’ve never had any mental health issues you’re probably thinking “yeah no shit, of course you could have”. But let me tell you, those cognitive distortions are powerful. You trust your brain and when your brain tells you you’re a piece of shit and you’ll never be happy again, you believe it.
For the first time, I realized that it wasn’t that I had changed as a person, rather my environment changed and I was doing the best I could in that environment. The only way I could get back to the person I wanted to be was to change my environment. I can’t explain to you how much this outlook changed everything for me. I suddenly felt a sliver of optimism and hope for the first time in years. I recognized that it was more than just some shitty thoughts and it was a clinical depression. It gave me the strength to move forward for the first time in years. I started going to therapy, I opened up to friends and family, I quit my job and moved in with a friend. All things I clearly should have done much earlier but it wasn’t until I recognized the problem that I was able to act on it.
FIND YOUR ENNEAGRAM
To be clear, I don’t know shit about mental health. I’m not an expert and not in a position to give any professional advice. I can just share my personal experience and some of the warning signs I learned. I looked past a lot because my depression felt like the next step in my adult life. If you’re reading this and can relate to anything, I hope this gives you a head start. If your daily tasks start to feel heavy, if your positive feelings start to get further away, or if how you feel about yourself doesn’t match up with how your friends and family see you, consider asking for help. Had I actually opened up to people about how I was feeling, I may have realized that I wasn’t alone and acted much sooner.
If you get to the point of cognitive distortion where your brain can only come up with negative thought patterns, it’s important to throw a wrench in that pattern. That might be therapy, talking to loved ones, starting antidepressants, or quitting your job. If those things feel too overwhelming (because they were for me) take whatever small step you can. If admitting to friends and family that you’re struggling feels too terrifying, reach out to mentors or people like me who have made a change. Cut back a couple of hours at work. Spend more time on the things that bring you joy, or the things that used to bring you joy until they start bringing you joy again. Start with small things until you can put a crack in those negative feelings and take the bigger step. And if even that feels too overwhelming, find a professional who can get you the help you need. Looking for a new job or picking up a hobby shouldn’t feel like an impossible task and if it does, it’s probably a sign that you need more help.
Me at my own wedding, a level of happy I hadn’t thought was possible.
As someone on the other side, I can tell you it does get a lot better. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a pessimistic, self-deprecating asshole but I’m a lot kinder to myself and I’m able to recognize when I should and shouldn’t trust my brain. I’ll have days where I wake up and things feel gray. Now I can communicate that with those closest to me and sort through which thoughts I should hold onto. If you’re at the point where you think that PT isn’t the right field for you, it can be a lot. You’ve spent years becoming a PT and that’s all you know. You’ve got this really expensive degree that the world has decided makes you good at only one thing. Going back to school or shifting careers entirely can feel overwhelming.
If you’re thinking “it’s just a job, I should be able to get this figured out” don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t compare yourself to someone else. Find what works for you and lean on anyone who is going to support your journey to get there. Talk to friends, talk to family, talk to a therapist, talk to a stranger. And if there’s a voice in your head that’s convinced you you’re a useless piece of shit, know it’s bullshit.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
ERIN KELLY-SULLIVAN
If this is the first blog of mine that you read, know that they are normally a bit more light-hearted and focused on how branding can support your small business. Now that you know all of the dark parts of my story, you can learn more about how I help other PTs at the link below.
WANT MORE HELP LIKE THIS? FOLLOW ALONG ON INSTAGRAM:
